control

i'm having a sort of issue with that word, control. more or less i feel like i'm not having enough of it, and others are patronizingly using it towards me. listen everyone, please. don't tell me what to do, don't tell me who i can and cannot like, don't tell me what i should or should not say, and especially don't be a hypocrite. don't tell me one thing as if you're trying to protect me, when you go off and do it yourself. really, thank you for the effort, i appreciate it. but seriously, stop it. i would love to have control over my own life if that would be so much to ask for. so please just stop.
on a side note, i'm not sure why i'm having a scuffle with myself internally against a friend haha, it's kind of sad but i dont even care. he/she is bothersome and it's unbelievable and i dont know why and it's sad but like i said, i don't even care. sad story, i know.

as for a nice outlook on life.. what is going on, haha. why do i find myself asking myself over and over and over what could be different, what was it about me that is different from the others?
i ponder and ponder, yet nothing comes to mind. it blows, sigh.


i need something stable, stability but not controlling.